While schlepping around one of my favorite messageboards today, www.vampirefreaks.com, I non-chalantly buttoned a link in the infamous "Dungeon"; this is the section for the so-called privileged members, though the only thing truly distinctive is that they're the over-eighteen crowd, and long-time members of the board. Today's link of interest was meant to terrify; it was a link to a website with photos of a topless and artificially over-endowed Katie "Jordan" Price, the ever-pornographic British actress/model/whatever.

More interesting to me than her ta-tas were the responses to them; many people showed a great deal of disgust, only natural since her breasts were so...unnatural. Publicly, no one was willing to admit to any level of interest, and to be fair, I'm sure no one on the site had any secret lusty feelings toward her. In fact, most were apathetic, leaving no comments at all. Why, then, is she fascinating? By all accounts she's been rather successful in the United Kingdom despite public criticisms that go far beyond catty or snide; there must be something behind this popularity. She's not alone; just browse your local adult film section to see stars like Wendy Whoppers or Lisa Lipps with HHH cups to rival even Jordan's rack.

The appeal of huge breasts to men should be pretty unmistakable; western culture nudges gents into bosom-land from the get-go, couple that with the "Bigger is Better" mentality and you have yourself an explanation. The draw is pretty obvious, and therefore it would be no tremendous exposé to discover that some guys out there probably like Jordan's boobs. You can't really fault them for following their society-imposed framework in addition to some level of natural inclination, of course not every male is going to go ga-ga over a chick's pair of jugs, after all; some men are gay.

Women, on the other hand, are a tad more complicated when it comes to "What the hell were they thinking?" Certainly you won't find as many women ogling at over-large silicon creations. I'm sure they exist; of course, but greater still are the number of women who do this very same augmentation to themselves. Let's explore the motivations behind the ladies getting planetary implants.

1. It's possible that they have no breasts at all. I mean, really, lots of women get them removed each year for medical reasons, and when the time comes for possible reconstruction we can only imagine that their eyes were bigger than their, um, chests.
2. Occasionally women are born genetically predisposed to having teeny mounds on their front-sides, and these women sometimes begin careers as strippers. Breast enhancements are considered a legitimate, tax-deductible investment in many states. I'm totally serious.
3. Insanity would be the other potential reason. Caution to the wind, sexiness on the mind, these women seek to create that which is theirs to refashion, and refashion they do: six thousand dollars and triple E's later you have an entirely new woman. A woman who now appeals to an altogether new form of man.

If we were to make an all-inclusive list, we'd wholly exceed the space allotment on the Moons of Vega server, so the above compilation has been truncated for brevity. I'm sure it's safe to say that the majority of HHH boobies are being stuffed into the chests of porn stars and adult models, not breast cancer survivors. But rightfully, women can do as they please to their bodies: stuff, clip, or rework any part they are unsatisfied with in the hopes of... well, something.

I may be going out on a limb here, but when these ladies get radical surgery odds are it's not because they're going for a natural appearance. They're going for something extreme. Maybe some women were never told that they could be great people without any regard to their appearance, maybe they never got that they didn't have to cater to male fantasies. Did they just decide they aren't good enough unless men want to sleep with them?

It's doubtful that porn stars are getting these implants because it makes them better people somehow; they're getting them because they think it makes them hotter to men. Maybe it does. Is it the lack of self respect that drives them to cartoonish metamorphoses? Is it just money? Is it a deranged sense of vanity? What justifies making your career dependant on focusing everything on the sexual side? Were they sitting around one day, eating peas and carrots, thinking: "I want to make a lot of money...but how? My KNOCKERS!" Shudder to think that these women feel that the only way they can make money is if they get these uncomfortable super-humanly fake breasts, like they couldn't be doctors, lawyers, or evil geniuses?

Carrying around a couple of bowling balls on your chest probably isn't very comfortable: they're heavy, they stretch the skin, and they must get in the way of everyday tasks. I wonder if those breasts have any feeling at all. "You learn to make adjustments. The only thing really uncomfortable was sex. It's not easy for someone to lie on top of you," says Whoppers about her 80HHH breasts. Regardless of business gain, it would seem to be a sacrifice nonetheless.

Regardless of shock value or potential business plans, huge boobs are still a circus act in the amusement park of lifestyle choices. Most find the gallon-sized jugs freakish, outrageous, and scary: both men and women alike. Maybe the scariest and most shocking part of all is that these are still people making these decisions, not some inhuman aliens with no feelings or personalities, despite 20 pounds of silicon. The pull toward outrageous entertainment is probably the same as the one that makes us look at traffic accidents and reality TV (Anna Nicole Smith, anyone?), and I doubt that the market on shock value is leaving the station anytime soon. Perhaps volleyball breast implants are beginning to chisel a niche into our growing society.

© 2004 T. Martin