Everyone is familiar with the Office of Domestic Preparedness’ color coded threat level system. The past few years we have heard them raise and lower the system between yellow and orange like a yo-yo. However, one state, which wishes to remain unnamed, has proposed a radically different system.

We decided that the current system is biased,” reported a state official. “What if you’re color blind? You could be staring at two shades of grey and wondering ‘Is lighter better’?!” We talked to the governor of the state who requested his statements be placed in italics to protect his identity.

“My state is not biased against color-blind people or shades of grey for that matter. That is why I’m proposing the smiley face system.”

The ‘Smiley System’ has three major levels. The lowest threat level is which means there are no threats at this time. This means that all levels of government can become complacent and forget that terrorism even exists. The middle ground is . This means that “Sh** can happen at any time but has happened yet,” says an Emergency Management official. The final and most serious level is . This means “we’re generally f***ed and will either be dead or glowing within the hour.”

“We think that the fewer levels and easily understood smilies will let everyone know exactly where we stand. It’s not that my constituency is simple, it’s just that… ok, yes it is,” says the Governor.

Though the state isn’t ready to come out with the plan publicly, they say that it’s just around the corner. “For now we’re really too busy hiding under our desks.”

© 2005 C. Hiles